


To Kill and to Feel

by crowleyhasfeels



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempted Murder, Bottom Castiel, Killer!Dean, M/M, Murder, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2019-02-21 20:31:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13151490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crowleyhasfeels/pseuds/crowleyhasfeels
Summary: Dean Winchester needs to kill. It is all that he has ever known and the only thing that gives him any emotion at all. Until the day a kill goes wrong and his whole world is flipped upside down.





	To Kill and to Feel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [NavajoLovesDestiel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavajoLovesDestiel/gifts).



              Dean wiped the blood off of his blade and placed it neatly back into its proper place amongst his other knives, all stained secretly with the blood of innocent people. Dean loved the innocent ones, the ones who got to have the life he never had. He hated them for their happiness, for their chances. Dean never had a chance. His father was a murderer and his mother was some whore he met along the way. The only reason she lived was that John was intrigued by the chance to have a prodigy, someone to learn from him and follow in his footsteps, and that is exactly what he got.

              Dean was the perfect son. When John told him to do something, he did so without question. Dean was raised to follow every order thrown at him and never once did he wish it to be different. He needed instruction, guidance … approval. All he ever wanted growing up was his father’s approval. So, when John passed away three years ago, Dean was lost.

              For months, Dean had considered taking his own life. He was nothing in this world without his father. He could die and meet him again. Hell, maybe? If there was such a thing. Anything to possibly be with his father again.

              It was not until Dean had met a young girl named Lisa, full of life and looking to have a little fun, that Dean changed his mind. Lisa had grown up with the perfect life. She had two parents who loved her. She had received a full scholarship to college and was on track to be whatever the hell she wanted to be but she ruined it all. She decided she wanted to be wild and careless. She didn’t want to take the good fortune that was handed to her. She wanted to sleep with bad boys and live on the edge. So, that is exactly what Dean gave to her. He fucked her and then left her hanging on the edge of his blade, her eyes dimming while trying to search for a reason in his own. She died before she was able to get one.

              That was when his mission began. He searched out those who were handed everything and then just tossed it aside because they felt they were better than the hands they were dealt. They could not see their good fortune, but he could. He could see it brightly and he went out of his way to suck the light out of every one of them until they were nothing more than an empty corpse. Suddenly, he had a reason again.

              Today’s mission was just like any other. He met Castiel at a bar by a nearby college. Castiel came from a large family. They all graduated on top of their class and went to the colleges of their dreams. His family was littered with Doctors and Lawyers and a Priest. They were the picture-perfect family. And then there was Castiel. He had the potential to be anything he wanted to be, but he wanted nothing.

              Dean filled him full of alcohol and led him back to his hotel room. Castiel was more than eager to follow, not even fighting Dean’s advances. He was just as desperate as Dean, only Dean couldn’t figure out what it was that Castiel wanted. He could have anything, yet he acted as if he would never be granted the one thing he truly wanted. Dean was going to learn the truth though, even if it took his blade slicing at the man’s skin to force it from him.

              “I am going to fuck you,” Dean growled into Castiel’s ear as he pushed him against the hotel room door.

              Castiel melted into him, letting Dean take control. Dean explored his mouth, letting his tongue slip into Castiel mouth. Castiel sucked Dean’s tongue with enthusiasm and Dean could not help but moan at the sensation. He wanted this too. He wanted to fuck Castiel into the mattress and scream out his desires before he slid his blade through his stomach like butter.

              “Take off your clothes,” Dean stepped back as he gave his orders.

              Castiel looked at Dean with lust, admiration and … hope? Dean wasn’t sure what to make of those emotions but he was in this now. Before he had a chance to do anything else, Castiel was removing his clothes, tossing them carelessly to the floor by his feet. Soon he was naked, putting himself on display for Dean. He was beautiful; everything that Dean had ever wanted in a fuck and a kill.

              “Bed,” Dean moved to the side, letting Castiel walk to the bed. “I want you on your hands and knees.”

              Castiel walked slowly to the bed, a slight amount of hesitation. Dean watched him shake it off and smiled at his obedience. Then Castiel was on the bed, hands and knees, ass up in the air, all of it for Dean.

              Dean grabbed the bottle of lube from the table and popped it open. Castiel’s body tensed and Dean could see goosebumps scatter across his legs. Dean wasn’t sure if it was from excitement or fear, but honestly, he didn’t quite care. He was not truly invested in what Castiel wanted, only what he wanted himself, and he wanted to be buried in Castiel.

              Dean looked at the man for a few more moments. He was lean but muscular, with hip bones that could cut glass. Dean planned to cut them open and see just how sharp they really are.

              “Please,” Castiel finally spoke, turning to look at Dean over his shoulder. “Please, Dean.”

              “I say when this happens,” Dean almost yelled, but there was a gentleness that came out instead. Maybe it was because of the complete desperation in Castiel’s voice.

              Castiel accepted Dean’s words, turning back to face the wall before hanging his head down. Dean poured the lube onto his fingers and warmed them up as he crawled onto the bed behind Castiel. He used his other hand to undo his jean’s and slip them down just enough for his cock to break free. It was hard and leaking, ready to fuck and kill; in fact, he wasn’t sure which action it was that turned him on more.

              Dean slid his lubed finger passed the ring of muscles until his finger was all the way inside of Castiel. Castiel gasped at the sensation but he didn’t fight it, instead, he pushed back against Dean’s finger eagerly. Dean rewarded him with pulling his finger almost all the way out and then thrusting it back in repeatedly.

              Castiel was panting, his head hung low and small growls breaking free. This drove Dean crazy. Suddenly, he had never wanted to fuck anyone the way he wanted to fuck Castiel. Normally, he would open them up with one finger and then force his way in, not caring whether they felt pain or not. They would be dead soon anyway. But now, he wanted to take his time.

              Dean finally allowed for a second finger to slip inside of Castiel. He scissored his fingers, finally finding Castiel’s prostate and massaging his finger over it. Castiel’s back arched up and he growled something deep and dark causing Dean’s dick to twitch needily, painfully.  

              “Fuck,” Dean moaned out at the sight.

              “Please,” Castiel nodded, looking at Dean again over his shoulder. “I can take it. Please fuck me.”

              Dean quickly removed his fingers and stood up beside the bed. He rids himself of the rest of his clothes, another thing he never did. He wanted to be able to get out as quickly as he got in, but it felt necessary, it felt right.

              Once he was naked, Dean grabbed the lube again and applied a generous amount to his cock before climbing back onto the bed. He lined himself up, about to push into Castiel and lose control but he stopped. He didn’t want it like this. He needed more.

              “Turn around,” Dean moved back. “On your back.”

              Castiel was still for a moment before rolling onto his back and looking up at Dean. As they locked eyes, Castiel spread apart his legs and grabbed at his knees, pulling them up to his chest. Dean didn’t waste any time. He leaned down and pressed his cock to Castiel’s ass once again, letting the head of it sink into him.

              Castiel cried out and Dean stilled, not wanting to hurt him. Why the fuck didn’t he want to hurt him? That is all Dean ever wanted.

              “Please,” Castiel begged again.

              That was all that Dean needed. He pushed forward, slowly, until he was buried completely inside of Castiel. He stilled himself, allowing for Castiel to get used to the feeling before slowly beginning to move again. It was painfully slow at first, too slow for Dean but he wanted it to be good for Castiel. This was his last night on earth, it should be good for him.

              Dean kept up the slow pace until Castiel was begging him for more and Dean gave it to him. He thrust quicker in and out of Castiel until he was pounding into him at an almost violent pace. All Dean could feel and hear were the slaps of their bodies together and the burning sensation growing in his groin. He was close, he knew he wasn’t going to last much longer.

              “Dean,” Castiel cried out, cumming between the both of them, coating his own stomach with strip after strip of white.

              The clench of Castiel’s ass was enough to throw Dean over the edge. He came so hard inside of Castiel that he felt that he was going to black out and it was possible, that for a brief moment, he did.

              “Shit,” Dean hissed as he pulled himself out of Castiel and fell to the bed beside him. “That was something else. It’s never been like that.”

              “I wouldn’t know,” Castiel admitted to him. “That was my first time.”

              “With a guy?” Dean turned to face the man he should be currently killing.

              “With anyone,” Castiel gave Dean a small smile.

              “Shit,” Dean groaned, pulling his arm over his eyes. “Why?”

              “I don’t know,” Castiel admitted.

              Dean removed his arm and turned to his side to look over Castiel.

              “Why did you come back here with me?” Dean asked, needing to know what it was that Castiel felt was so much better than the perfect life he had been handed.

              “It wasn’t really my plan for the evening,” Castiel looked toward the ceiling. “This was better than my plan by a long shot, but definitely not the plan.”

              “So, what was your plan for this evening?” Dean continued with the questions.

              “It’s nothing,” Castiel shook his head, holding back.

              “Don’t lie to me,” Dean grabbed Castiel’s face, forcing him to look at him. “Tell me.”  
              “I was going to drink just enough alcohol to gain some courage,” Castiel tried to close his eyes but Dean grabbed his chin, forcing him to keep them open.

              “For what?”

              “I was going to,” Castiel stilled, sharp breaths escaping him. “I was going to kill myself.”

              “Why?” Dean felt like he was falling. Why?

              “I have everything I have ever wanted and more,” Castiel gave Dean a soft look. “But I have never been happy. I have always felt … nothing. I was hoping that in my final moments, I would feel something.”

              “When you leave this room,” Dean felt tears welling up in his eyes. Where had these new found emotions come from? “Are you going to follow through with it?”

              “No,” Castiel shook his head. “Thanks to you.”

              “Me?” Dean was in shock. “What did I do?”

              “You made me feel something,” Castiel leaned forward and kissed Dean. “Thank you.”

              “I … I …” Shit. Dean struggled for words. This was not how it was supposed to go.

              “What about you?” Castiel turned the light toward Dean. “Why did you pick me?”

              “Because I …” Was Dean supposed to be honest with him? Castiel had been nothing but honest, he deserved the truth. “I was going to kill you.”

              “Kill me?” Castiel cocked his head to the side curiously. “Why would you want to kill me?”

              “To feel,” Dean admitted.

              “Are you still going to do it?” Castiel asked. “I won’t stop you. If you need this to feel, I will give you that. I know better than anyone what it is to not feel and to crave it at every second. Please, Dean, kill me.”

              “Are you sure?” Dean sat himself up on the bed, unable to look at Castiel.

              “Completely,” Castiel sat up and kissed Dean’s shoulder. “You allowed me to feel, let me help you.”

              “You already have,” Dean wiped away the stray tear that was making its way down his cheek before turning back to Castiel and kissing him. “You already have.”


End file.
